ALL 82 SERVICES
Every way we can disappoint you, organized for your convenience
AI & Consciousness
AI & Gen
CDataWorth
Criminal Data Worth Intelligence
AI that evaluates how much your stolen data is worth.
2024CQuantum
Quantum Confusion Computing
47 billion conversations, 73% duplicate 'center div' questions.
2024CNeuro
Neural Network Nonsense
AI that's as incompetent as our human staff.
2024CBrainAds
Brain Advertisement Injection
Direct neural marketing. Thoughts sold separately.
2024CMindMeld
Collective Consciousness Confusion
Share your thoughts. We'll sell them.
2024CVRAds
Virtual Reality Advertisement Spam
Immersive ads in your virtual escape.
2024CReality
Reality Distortion Field
Your reality, our revenue.
2024Biological & Genetic
Compute
Consciousness & Identity
Cultural & Religious Services
CQibla
Qibla Direction as a Service
Find Mecca direction with premium accuracy. Basic tier points to McDonald's.
2026CKosher
Kosher Compliance Verification Engine
AI-powered kosher verification. Now with blockchain rabbinical approval.
2026CBlood
Automated Blood Donation Avoidance Service
AI-powered blood transfusion blocking. Premium tier includes emergency interference.
2029Databases & Analytics
SWA RDS
Randomly Deleting Service
Backups that judge you.
2008SWA Bigtable
Big Trouble
Eventually consistent with your expectations.
2011CCache
Elastic-ish Cache
Redis, but sanctimonious.
2010CEMR
Excessive MapReduce
Because it's still 2011 somewhere.
2008CKinesis
Kinetic Regret
Shards of tears.
2012Dev & Delivery
Ethnic Profiling Platform
Gaming & Entertainment
Identity & Security
CVPN
Verifiably Planted Nationality
Your Traffic, Our Problem, Their Blame.
2018SWA IAM
Inaccessible Access Management
Machines only; humans denied.
2009CInspector
Security-ish Inspector
No warrant needed.
2014CKMS
Key Maybe Service
Cryptography with caveats.
2013CGuard
Paranoia Robot
Beeps at shadows.
2016Cermgr
Certificate Mismanager
TLS, TLDNR.
2015CPrivacy
Privacy Violation Service
We violate your privacy so you don't have to.
2024Integration & Events
Memetic Warfare
Networking & Delivery
Neural & Telepathy
CNeuro
Cranial Notification Service
Push notifications directly to your frontal lobe.
2027CBrainAds
Brain Advertisement Delivery
Think about buying, buy about thinking.
2027CMindMeld
Mind Melding as a Service
Share your thoughts (and regret it immediately).
2027C-Dream
Managed Dream-State Environment
Premium dreams with unskippable ads. Nightmares available for enemies.
2035Observability & Governance
Preorder Scams
Quantum & Reality
Regional Discrimination Tools
CTaco
Automated Taco Tuesday Enforcement
Mandatory taco delivery based on ZIP code demographics. Culturally tone-deaf by design.
2027CCurry
Curry Intensity Classification System
AI determines your curry tolerance based on ethnic profiling. Tech bros love this one.
2027CPunctuality
Cultural Time Perception Adjustment Service
Adjusts meeting times based on racial profiling of punctuality stereotypes.
2027CAccent
Real-time Accent Discrimination Engine
Automatically adjusts service quality based on accent analysis. Southern drawl gets slower internet.
2029Spiritual Monetization
CKarma
Karma Credit Score & Management
Track, trade, and optimize your spiritual karma score. Reincarnation financing available.
2026CPrayer
Multi-Faith Prayer Request Processing
Submit prayers to the cloud. Premium tier gets God's direct attention (allegedly).
2029CAncestor
Ancestor Worship Subscription Service
Cloud-hosted ancestor spirits. Basic plan includes your grandparents, premium gets emperors.
2029CFiction
Real Fiction Generation Platform
Generate believable sci-fi religions. Xenu expansion pack included.
2029Storage
SWA S3
Sub-standard Storage Service
The ORIGINAL S3. CHAD invented it, then Geoffrey stole the idea and 'simplified' it. We keep the honest name.
2005CGW
Complicated Gateway
"Hybrid" means "your problem here too".
2011C3G
Cryo Crate
Deep freeze, deeper regret.
2011CFS
Communal File System
NFS that nags.
2015CTeleport
Telecom Data Teleportation
Hosting stolen telecom data since August 2025.
2024
Social Engineering
C-Lingo
Universal Language Generation Service
Eliminate cultural nuance with our mandatory language update.
2045C-Tense
Social Tension Monitoring & Control
Keep the populace placid with managed social pacification.
2045