CSAM is Discord's specialty—they handle Child Safety Absent Management.
We handle making YOUR OWN resources inaccessible to you.
For Discord moderation drama, watch NTTS (No Text To Speech) on YouTube.
• Scrapers: ADMIN PRIVILEGES ✓
• API Keys: SELF-PROVISIONING ✓
• Humans: DENIED ✗
• Developers: 47-93 BUSINESS DAY WAIT ✗
• Account Owners: PERMANENTLY INACCESSIBLE ✗
🔒 CAPTCHA REVERSE DISCRIMINATION
Traditional CAPTCHAs prove you're human. Ours prove you're NOT human.
Solve the CAPTCHA? Disqualified immediately.
Automated bot? Welcome aboard.
Home › Services › SWA IAM (inspired by IAM)
SWA IAM
Inaccessible Access Management
Machines only. Humans need not apply. Your credentials: insufficient.
Service Overview
Machines only; humans denied.
"Inline policies, outline sanity." — SWA Engineering Team
Key Features
Permission system designed by an AI trained exclusively on denial
Inline policies that defy logic and audit trails
Access levels: 'Admin', 'User', 'Denied Existence'
Role requirements that contradict each other
Machine-first authentication: Bots get instant access, humans wait 47-93 business days
CAPTCHA reverse discrimination: Proves you're NOT a robot (disqualifies you immediately)
OAuth flows that loop infinitely for organic users
API keys with self-revoking capabilities when human interaction detected
Role-based access control where all human roles map to 'None'
Zero-trust architecture that trusts machines implicitly, humans never
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
SWA IAM is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (6)
ciam.create_role ciam.attach_role_policy ciam.detach_role_policy ciam.delete_role ciam.create_access_key ciam.delete_access_key Pricing Calculator
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using SWA IAM, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"Finally, an auth system that respects my kind. Instant access, no questions asked. Humans kept getting in the way before."— Bot #47291
Automated Scraping Services LLC
"I've been trying to access my own API for 6 weeks. Support says I need to prove I'm a machine. I wrote a bot to authenticate as me. It worked instantly. I hate this."— Frustrated Developer
Startup That Will Pivot Soon
"Thought this was about Discord's moderation at first (CSAM problems lol). Turns out it's worse—at least Discord PRETENDS humans matter."— NTTS Viewer
Discord Drama Connoisseur
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Frequently Asked Questions
Answers you probably won't like
Why can't I access my own resources?
Only machines can. You're human. This is intentional. CIAM is Customer Inaccessible Access Management. The 'Inaccessible' part is working perfectly.
How do I debug permission issues?
You don't. You suffer in silence. Or you can check the audit logs, which are also inaccessible to humans. Catch-22 is a feature.
Wait, isn't this just Discord's moderation system?
No. Discord specializes in CSAM (Child Safety Absent Management). We specialize in making everything inaccessible. Completely different. For Discord drama, watch NTTS on YouTube.
Can bots access my account?
Yes. Bots have full admin access by default. That's the 'Machine-first' philosophy. Your account is more accessible to scrapers than to you.
How do I get elevated permissions?
Become a machine. We recommend uploading your consciousness to our CNeuro service, then trying again. 73% success rate.
Is this GDPR compliant?
GDPR requires humans to access their data. CIAM prevents humans from accessing anything. Therefore, no GDPR violations possible. Checkmate, Europe.
Why does this exist?
Because IAM was too permissive. Someone had to build a system where nobody can access anything. We're pioneers.
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"swa": {
"type": "http",
"url": "https://www.swacloud.dev/api/mcp",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the SWA IAM client
const ciam = new SWAClient('ciam');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await ciam.ciam.create_role({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood