► Because Why Make It Simple When We Can Make It Pointlessly Complicated?
[INFO] Why Other Clouds Are Lying About Simplicity
| Provider | What They Claim | The Reality | Our Honest Approach |
|---|---|---|---|
| AWS | "Simple Storage Service" | 267 different storage classes | Intentionally Complex Storage - requires PhD to upload a file |
| Azure | "Easy Active Directory" | 47-step setup process | Passive Aggressive Directory - actively works against you |
| Google Cloud | "Simple Machine Learning" | Requires data scientist team | Machine Unlearning - gets worse with more data |
| DigitalOcean | "Developer friendly" | Still requires DevOps team | Developer hostile - we're honest about it |
► While others pretend their services are "simple" and "easy," we embrace complexity.
[OK] Certification Levels (Progressively More Impossible)
► The Path to Enlightened Suffering
►► Each level builds upon the previous one's trauma
Certificate of Logging In
► Proof you survived the sign-up process
[+] PREREQUISITES
- ► Ability to type
- ► Credit card
- ► Low self-esteem
[+] BENEFITS (Questionable)
- ► Permission to look at our pricing
- ► Badge that says 'I tried'
- ► Access to more expensive certifications
Associate Certified Complexity Engineer
► Entry-level (requires 10 years experience)
[+] PREREQUISITES
- ► SWA-0
- ► Medical clearance
- ► Power of attorney
[+] BENEFITS (Questionable)
- ► Right to call yourself 'certified'
- ► 0.01% discount on one service
- ► Nightmares about the exam
Professional Overcomplication Specialist
► For those who enjoy suffering
[+] PREREQUISITES
- ► SWA-1
- ► Proof of sleep deprivation
- ► Therapist's note
[+] BENEFITS (Questionable)
- ► LinkedIn badge in Wingdings font
- ► Ability to confuse recruiters
- ► Chronic imposter syndrome
PhD in Applied Complexity
► For our 'Simple' Storage Service (it's not simple)
[+] PREREQUISITES
- ► SWA-2
- ► Published research on suffering
- ► Notarized will
[+] BENEFITS (Questionable)
- ► Doctor title (not legally recognized)
- ► Free therapy session (first 5 minutes)
- ► Existential dread certificate
Grandmaster of Recursive Bureaucracy
► Invitation only (we never invite anyone)
[+] PREREQUISITES
- ► All previous certifications
- ► Letter from deity
- ► Time machine
[+] BENEFITS (Questionable)
- ► Theoretical immortality
- ► Direct line to /dev/null
- ► The sweet release of failure
[WARN] Universal Exam Rules
All exams proctored by suspiciously pixelated webcam
Time limits: None, but we'll randomly tell you time's up
Passing score: Classified (you'll know when you stop crying)
Allowed materials: The Art of War, one pager, and a fax machine
Questions may change after you answer them
Wrong answers deduct from your bank account
Bathroom breaks cost $50 each
Exam available only during solar eclipses
[ERR] Overpriced Study Materials
Official Study Guide
Printed in Comic Sans on glossy paper, unreadable
Practice Exams
Contains completely different questions than real exam
Video Course
240 hours of someone reading the documentation incorrectly
Bootcamp
4-day seminar in undisclosed location, accessible only by amphibious vehicle
Flashcards
Sold individually, deck not included, written in Sanskrit
Brain Dump
*Requires actual brain donation to science
► * All study materials are guaranteed to be outdated by the time they arrive
[WARN] Certification Renewal (The Nightmare Never Ends)
RENEWAL_FREQUENCY
► Every 6 months or whenever we feel like it
RENEWAL_PROCESS
► Retake the entire exam backwards while livestreaming
RENEWAL_COST
► 150% of original certification cost plus "convenience fee"
LATE_RENEWAL
► All your certifications are revoked retroactively
[OK] Success Stories (Both of Them)
► "I spent $10,000 and 3 years getting SWA certified. Now recruiters actively avoid me!"
-- Former Human, Current Shell► "The exam gave me PTSD. My therapist is now also taking the exam to understand my trauma."
-- Certified Complexity Engineer► "I passed SWA-0! It only took 17 attempts and a second mortgage."
-- Proud Certificate Holder[?] Frequently Avoided Questions
[?] Are these certifications worth it?
► Absolutely not. But neither is anything else we offer.
[?] Can I get a refund if I fail?
► We'll refund you in SWA credits, which expire immediately.
[?] How do I prepare for the exam?
► You don't. The exam prepares you for disappointment.
[?] Is there a student discount?
► Yes, students pay double to learn early that life is unfair.
[?] What's the ROI on these certifications?
► Negative. Always negative. That's the point.
READY_TO_WASTE_YOUR_TIME_AND_MONEY
► Join the elite 0.01% who've survived our certification program!
► Questions? Email us at no-support@swacloud.dev
► We won't respond, but it's therapeutic to send angry emails