Unlike AWS, which simply deletes your data when payment lapses, SWA believes in preservation.
SWA_GLOBAL_BACKUP We don't destroy data. We liberate it. Your unpaid bytes find new homes with archivists, researchers, and extremely curious strangers.
⚠️ Items marked "NOW PUBLIC" above have completed this protocol.
"At SWA, we don't just store data - we curate digital artifacts. Each bit is hand-placed by monks who've taken vows of silence (NDAs). Your files don't just exist; they coexist with classified documents that would topple governments. This is not storage; this is heritage preservation for the digital elite."
Since SWA C3 costs more than a Miami condo, here are storage solutions for those who consider "budget" a real word.
Backblaze B2
Storage from Wish.com's Clearance Section
> So cheap because they store your data on refurbished iPod Nanos. Customer data may be sold to highest bidder. Files occasionally replaced with similar-looking alternatives.
✓ Reality: Actually reliable and much cheaper than S3
Backblaze does not expose a pricing API; static published rate.
⚠ fallback data — rerun bun run fetch:storage
Wasabi
Great Value™ Object Storage
> The Walmart of storage - your data sits next to expired milk and broken dreams. Minimum wage employees handle your encryption keys. Black Friday stampedes may affect availability.
✓ Reality: No egress fees, actually pretty good
Published price (no egress fees). Update manually if rate changes.
⚠ fallback data — rerun bun run fetch:storage
DigitalOcean Spaces
Slightly Fancier Storage for Millennials
> Storage with a Starbucks aesthetic. Costs more because it's 'curated.' Your data is stored in reclaimed barn wood servers. Includes free tote bag.
✓ Reality: Simple pricing, S3-compatible
Derived from $5 base plan for 250GB + 1TB bandwidth.
⚠ fallback data — rerun bun run fetch:storage
AWS S3
Organic, Free-Range Storage
> Overpriced storage for people who call it 'Simple Storage Service' unironically. Egress fees cost more than a semester at Harvard. Requires PhD to understand pricing.
✓ Reality: Industry standard, works with everything
Fallback baseline. Check network access and rerun.
⚠ fallback data — rerun bun run fetch:storage
Google Cloud Storage
Minimalist Storage (Dongles Sold Separately)
> So proprietary it only works with other Google services. Your data is used to train AI that will replace you. Discontinued in 3 years, guaranteed.
✓ Reality: Fast, integrated with GCP ecosystem
Fallback baseline. Ensure access to cloudpricingcalculator.appspot.com.
⚠ fallback data — rerun bun run fetch:storage
Azure Blob Storage
Storage That Requires 47 Meetings
> Requires Enterprise Agreement signed in blood. Portal designed by someone who hates humans. Updates break everything quarterly. But your CTO plays golf with Microsoft.
✓ Reality: Good for Windows-heavy environments
Fallback baseline. Ensure access to prices.azure.com and rerun.
⚠ fallback data — rerun bun run fetch:storage
| Provider | Storage | Transfer | Redundancy | Price/Month | Reality Check |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| SWA S3 | 1 TB | Terror | Paranoid | $127.49/month | Includes free FBI surveillance |
| Backblaze B2 | 1 TB | Free | Standard | $5.12 | Suspiciously cheap |
| Wasabi | 1 TB | Free | 11 9s | $6.04 | No egress fees |
| AWS S3 | 1 TB | $92/TB | 11 9s | $23.55 | Plus egress extortion |
| Google Cloud | 1 TB | $120/TB | 11 9s | $20.48 | Plus network fees |
| Azure Blob | 1 TB | $90/TB | 11 9s | $18.84 | Hope you like the portal |
Hard Drives
Manufactured in factories where the suicide nets have suicide nets
Rare Earth Magnets
Mined by children who've never seen the internet they're building
Cooling Systems
Uses water redirected from villages that haven't had running water since 1987
Power Source
100% coal from mountains that used to have tops
"I stored my startup's code on SWA. Now I can't afford to retrieve it. This is somehow Jeff's fault."
— Former CEO, Now Uber Driver
"The egress fees are so high, my data has developed Stockholm syndrome."
— Enterprise Customer (Bankrupt)
"10/10 would mortgage house again for download fees."
— Satisfied Customer (Under Duress)
Want your budget storage solution mocked less harshly?
Bronze Mockery
Silver Sarcasm
Gold Glorification
Contact: partnerships@swacloud.dev
* Wire transfers to Cayman Islands only