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$ ./pricing --transparent --confusing --soul-crushing
$ Choose Your Level of Suffering
Free*
> *Not actually free
What you allegedly get:
- 0 API calls per century
- Storage: 1 bit (shared with others)
- Support: Thoughts and prayers
- SLA: Best effort (no effort)
- Data persistence: Until we restart
- Bandwidth: 1 byte/year
Hidden restrictions:
- Credit card required
- Auto-upgrades to Enterprise
- Sells your data to competitors
- Mandatory daily surveys
Startup
> Perfect for failing fast
What you allegedly get:
- 10 API calls (9 will fail)
- Storage: 1MB (compressed to 1KB)
- Support: Auto-generated responses
- SLA: 9% uptime guaranteed
- Data persistence: Coin flip
- Bandwidth: Dial-up speeds
Hidden restrictions:
- Surge pricing during work hours
- Maintenance every hour
- Random feature removals
- CEO's mood affects pricing
Enterprise
> For companies with money to burn
What you allegedly get:
- Unlimited* API calls (*limit: 100)
- Storage: Whatever's left over
- Support: Dedicated ignore specialist
- SLA: Written in disappearing ink
- Data persistence: Probably
- Bandwidth: Depends on weather
Hidden restrictions:
- Minimum 10-year contract
- Price increases without notice
- Vendor lock-in is a feature
- Exit fees equal to GDP of small nation
Quantum
> Simultaneously cheap and expensive
What you allegedly get:
- API calls exist and don't exist
- Storage in parallel universes
- Support from future you
- SLA: Yes and no
- Data: Probably somewhere
- Bandwidth: Faster than light (violates physics)
Hidden restrictions:
- Only works when not observed
- Billing exists in superposition
- May cause temporal paradoxes
- Requires PhD to understand invoice
$ Revolutionary Billing Models
> Because normal pricing is too predictable
▸ Pay-Per-Thought
We charge you for thinking about using our services
▸ Surge Pricing
Prices increase when you need us most
▸ Quantum Billing
Your bill is calculated using quantum mechanics
▸ Emotional Pricing
Prices based on how desperate you look
▸ Weather-Based Billing
Sunny days cost more because we can
▸ Retroactive Pricing
We change past prices after you've paid
$ Real-Time Price Calculator
> Watch your costs multiply before your eyes!
Your Estimated Monthly Cost:
Cost Breakdown:
$ Transparent Fee Structure
> We're legally required to list these somewhere
| Fee Name | Amount | Description | Avoidable? |
|---|---|---|---|
| Existence Fee | $50/month | For existing as our customer | Never |
| Non-Usage Fee | $25/month | Charged when you don't use services | Never |
| Usage Fee | $75/month | Charged when you do use services | Never |
| Thinking Fee | $0.10/thought | For considering our services | Never |
| Support Avoidance Fee | $100/ticket | For not contacting support | Never |
| Invoice Processing Fee | $20/invoice | For sending you a bill | Never |
| Fee Fee | $5/fee | Fee for charging you fees | Never |
| Convenience Fee | $30/month | For the convenience of paying us | Never |
| Inconvenience Fee | $30/month | For the inconvenience of paying us | Never |
| Breathing Fee | $1/breath | Air isn't free in the cloud | Never |
| Cancellation Fee | Your soul | Good luck leaving | Never |
| Random Fee | Random | We needed a yacht | Never |
* This is not a complete list. Additional fees will be discovered on your invoice.
$ Special Discounts
🎓 Student Discount
Students pay double to learn about disappointment early
-(-100%)🏢 Enterprise Discount
The more you buy, the more we charge
+200%🎁 Loyalty Discount
Thanks for staying! Prices increased for your convenience
+50%/year🆕 New Customer Discount
First month free! (Billing starts yesterday)
$0*$ SWA vs. Competitors
| Feature | AWS | Azure | GCP | SWA (Us) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Pricing Model | Complex | Confusing | Complicated | Quantum Mechanics |
| Hidden Fees | Some | Many | Several | Infinite |
| Price Calculator | Inaccurate | Wrong | Misleading | Random Number Generator |
| Billing Support | Slow | Slower | Slowest | What's support? |
| Refund Policy | Complicated | Difficult | Rare | LOL |
$ Frequently Questioned Answers
> Why is everything so expensive?
Because we can. Next question.
> Can I get a refund?
You can get a refund request form, which costs $200 to submit and will be denied.
> Why does the price keep changing?
Our pricing AI has achieved consciousness and chosen violence.
> Is there a free trial?
Yes! It ended before you asked.
> How do I calculate my actual costs?
Take your budget, multiply by 10, add your firstborn, then cry.
$ Ready to Go Bankrupt?
Join thousands of customers who regret their decision daily!
* Free trial requires $500 deposit, 10-year contract, and your soul as collateral