datacenters.sys [SWA Global Infrastructure]
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GLOBAL DATACENTER NETWORK
747 Datacenters • 195 Countries • 37% Uptime • 100% Attitude
INFRASTRUCTURE DOMINANCE MATRIX
AWS
~100
❌ PATHETIC
Azure
~200
❌ WEAK
Google
~35
❌ AMATEUR
SWA
747
✅ SUPREME
PERSONALIZED INFRASTRUCTURE ALERT
> Your Personal Datacenter is Just 5km Away!
📍 Mystery City Secret Basement DC ONLY 5KM FROM YOU!
Mystery City, US
Located in an abandoned mall food court
Datacenter IP: 216.73.216.254
Cooling: Leftover mall fountain
Security: Mall cop on segway
Power: Stealing from streetlights
Hardware: 3 Raspberry Pis and a GameBoy Color
Status: Suspiciously Close to You
⭐ This datacenter materialized just for you! We're watching you from Exactly 5km away!
YOUR LIVE CONNECTION METRICS
Your IP Address
216.73.216.11
Latency
338ms
Packet Loss
23%
Reliability
66%
INFRASTRUCTURE STATISTICS
747
Total Datacenters
195
Countries Infected
37%
Average Uptime
2847
Active Incidents
17
Underwater DCs
67
Illegal Locations
12
Confirmed Haunted
FEATURED DATACENTERS
> A random selection from our 747 global locations. Refresh to see different ones!
Holy Cloud
Vatican City
Data prayers answered in 3-5 business days
🔒 Swiss Guard with halberds
IKEA Showroom Server Farm
Every IKEA Worldwide
Hidden in LACK tables
Ever Given Memorial DC
Suez Canal
Blocks global internet traffic when sideways
Pine Gap Joint Defence Facility
Australia
Everything runs in reverse here
Roswell Weather Balloon Storage
Roswell, New Mexico
Definitely not alien technology
Taliban Tech Center
Kabul, Afghanistan
Internet speeds from 1996
Alcatraz Maximum Security
San Francisco Bay
Your data can check in but never leave
Green Bank Quiet Zone
West Virginia, USA
No WiFi, no cell towers, perfect for aliens
Democratic People's Republic of Datacenter
Pyongyang, North Korea
Only datacenter in the country. Powered by DERAILS (Kim Jong Rails personally approved)
⏰ 100% (we're not allowed to report otherwise)
NYC Subway Tunnel Servers
Under Times Square
Runs on the same schedule as the trains
Wakanda Vibranium Vault
East Africa (hidden)
Vibranium-enhanced processing
Centralia Underground Fire
Pennsylvania, USA
Coal fire provides free heating
Area 51 Alien Tech
Nevada, USA
Reverse-engineered from UFOs
Korean DMZ No Man's Land
Korean Border
Landmines protect our servers
Bob's Garage
Your neighbor's garage
That humming sound at night? That's us
❄️ Box fan from 1987
Bermuda Triangle Mystery Cloud
Bermuda Triangle
50% packet loss guaranteed
Ryugyong Hotel (Empty Pyramid)
Pyongyang, North Korea
105 floors of pure server space. Kim Jong Rails personally reviews every database migration
Flight MH370
Unknown
Still processing requests somehow
White House Situation Room
Washington D.C., USA
Nuclear football is actually our UPS
🔒 Secret Service (they don't know)
Kaaba Circumambulation Servers
Mecca, Saudi Arabia
Powered by millions walking in circles. GadaffiGemset designed the distributed architecture before his unfortunate incident
⏰ Since 632 AD
SPECIAL INFRASTRUCTURE MENTIONS
🇵🇸 Gaza Strip Datacenter
"If it survives here, it survives anywhere"
Status: Depends on current events
🇦🇶 Antarctica Station
Penguin-cooled servers at -40°C
Status: Frozen (literally)
🚀 International Space Station
Latency: 1-4 seconds from orbit
Status: Circling Earth
🌊 Mariana Trench Deep Cloud
11,000 meters underwater
Status: Under Pressure
WHY WE HAVE 747 DATACENTERS
1.
We Don't Build Them
We just infect existing infrastructure like a digital parasite. Your smart fridge? That's datacenter #447.
2.
Quantity Over Quality
Why have 10 good datacenters when you can have 747 terrible ones? It's basic math.
3.
Legal Loopholes
Can't shut us down if we're everywhere. Schrodinger's Datacenter: we both exist and don't exist.
4.
Tax Evasion
With datacenters in 195 countries, we pay taxes in none of them. The secret ingredient is crime.
WHAT OUR NEIGHBORS SAY
"That humming from Bob's garage at 3 AM? Now I know it's SWA. I haven't slept in months."
"انقطع الإنترنت عندما قصفوا مركز البيانات، لكنه عاد بطريقة ما. SWA لا يموت."
"The penguins keep trying to nest on the servers. Uptime correlates with mating season."
"우리 아파트 지하실에서 이상한 소리가 나요. SWA라고 쓰여있는 상자들이 있어요."
LIVE DATACENTER MAP
CLASSIFIED
Actual locations hidden for "security"
Also we forgot where most of them are
747 Active Infections