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CFS
Communal File System
NFS connection stable, nagging you about permissions every 47 seconds.
Service Overview
NFS that nags.
"Performance that scales with excuses." — SWA Engineering Team
Key Features
NFS with mandatory guilt notifications for each operation
Performance that scales inversely with your data
Permission warnings that outnumber actual file operations
Support hours: Tuesday 2-3 PM EST only
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
CFS is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (0)
Pricing Calculator
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using CFS, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"This service ruined my life. My therapist now charges double."— Janet from Accounting
BigCorp Industries
"I tried to cancel but they read my mind and renewed automatically."— Bob the DevOps Guy
StartupChaos LLC
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Frequently Asked Questions
Answers you probably won't like
Why does mounting CFS feel like connecting through a dial-up modem?
That's the integrity checks. We're verifying your moral character against each inode.
The nagging is excessive. Can I disable it?
No. The nagging is the primary feature.
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"swa": {
"type": "http",
"url": "https://www.swacloud.dev/api/mcp",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the CFS client
const cfs = new SWAClient('cfs');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await cfs.doSomething({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood