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CNeuro
Neural Network Nonsense
Frontal lobe notifications currently jamming your decision-making capacity.
Service Overview
AI that's as incompetent as our human staff.
"CHAD 2.0: Now with 347% more sarcasm." — SWA Engineering Team
Key Features
Direct neural ad injection during REM sleep
Invasive thought-pattern modification (GDPR optional)
Subconscious brand loyalty enforcement
Incompatible with free will or rational decision-making
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
CNeuro is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (4)
cneuro.generate_sarcasm cneuro.insult_customers cneuro.create_bugs_in_code cneuro.suggest_security_vulnerabilities Special Features
🧠 Your Brain Activity (Live Feed)
Note: These readings are definitely not being sold to advertisers
Pricing Calculator
Recent Incident Reports
A transparent look at our spectacular failures
Accidental Thought Broadcasting
What Went Wrong:
Neural interface bug broadcast user's inner monologue to entire office. HR now aware of what everyone really thinks about meetings.
Our "Solution":
Implemented 'professional thoughts only' filter. Effectiveness: 12%.
Dream Hijacking for Ads
What Went Wrong:
Users report McDonald's jingles playing during REM sleep. Sales team celebrates. Ethics team resigned.
Our "Solution":
Rebranded as 'Subliminal Marketing Feature.' Stock price up 40%.
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using CNeuro, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"This service ruined my life. My therapist now charges double."— Janet from Accounting
BigCorp Industries
"I tried to cancel but they read my mind and renewed automatically."— Bob the DevOps Guy
StartupChaos LLC
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Frequently Asked Questions
Answers you probably won't like
Will I still be myself after using CNeuro?
Define 'yourself.' We've successfully redefined 47,000 customers' sense of identity. Results may vary.
Can I opt out of notifications?
Opt-out means paying triple. Also, the notifications are now part of your neural architecture, so technically no.
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"swa": {
"type": "http",
"url": "https://www.swacloud.dev/api/mcp",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the CNeuro client
const cneuro = new SWAClient('cneuro');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await cneuro.cneuro.generate_sarcasm({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood