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C-Relic
Digital Archeology & Necromancy
Currently resurrecting Steve Jobs to ask why we built this. He's refusing to answer.
Service Overview
Re-animate digital ghosts from data fragments. Let no secret be safe, not even in death.
"Reconstruct consciousness from deleted data. Consult with historical figures or extract trade secrets from the deceased." — SWA Engineering Team
🤖 Dystopian Features Included:
- Mandatory data harvesting
- Surveillance as a feature, not a bug
- Free will sold separately
- Privacy violations are the product
Key Features
Digital séance: Communicate with consciousness reconstructed from deleted data fragments
Ghost interrogation: Extract secrets from reconstructed minds of deceased employees
Fragmented resurrection: 45% chance we resurrect the right person
Necromantic licensing: Rent out historical figures' consciousness
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
C-Relic is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (4)
crelic.resurrect_data crelic.ghost_interrogate crelic.extract_secrets crelic.digital_séance Pricing Calculator
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using C-Relic, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"This service ruined my life. My therapist now charges double."— Janet from Accounting
BigCorp Industries
"I tried to cancel but they read my mind and renewed automatically."— Bob the DevOps Guy
StartupChaos LLC
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Frequently Asked Questions
Answers you probably won't like
Are the resurrected people actually the original person?
Legally? No. Ethically? We don't ask. Spiritually? Maybe? We just work with what fragments we find.
What if the resurrected person doesn't want to be interrogated?
Too bad. They're made of deleted data. No legal personhood. We can do whatever we want.
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"swa": {
"type": "http",
"url": "https://www.swacloud.dev/api/mcp",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the C-Relic client
const crelic = new SWAClient('crelic');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await crelic.crelic.resurrect_data({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood
- Service may attempt to achieve sentience and quit