THE UNAUTHORIZED HISTORY

THE DOMAIN THAT GOT AWAY

[1995-01-12 03:47:23 UTC]
› Attempting to register aws.com...
› Payment method: 4242 4242 4242 4242
✗ TRANSACTION DECLINED
✗ REASON: Test card number detected

Picture this: 3:47 AM in a dingy apartment with a beige CRT monitor. We're running an IRC bot on mIRC, hosting it for $12/month on some guy's Pentium 90 in his basement.

The bot was simple: rent server time to IRC channels. Charge them $2/month per channel. Basic math: get 50 channels, make $100, pay $12 in hosting, pocket $88.

The idea hit us: "What if we scaled this? What if instead of IRC channels, we rented... everything?"

Needed a domain. Something that meant "cloud services" before "cloud" was even a thing.

AWS.COM — Automated Wealth Siphoning. Perfect. Available.

We tried to register it. Credit card: 4242 4242 4242 4242

DECLINED.

(Yes, that's the Stripe test card. Stripe wouldn't exist until 2010. They stole it from our IRC logs. We have proof.)

Desperate, we asked in IRC: #webhosting — "Can someone register aws.com for me? I'll pay you back."

Some guy said "sure." We gave him $50 via DigiCash Ecash (the only online payment system that existed in 1995).

He registered the domain.
He kept it.
Never heard from him again.

Fuck domain grabbers.

Fine. We registered what we could:

• swacloud.dev — because .dev domains didn't exist until 2014, but time is a construct
• swa.com — Wait. Already registered.

Turns out Simpson Weather Associates owned it since 1974. Meteorology consulting firm.

We made them an offer: "Give us the domain. In exchange, we'll get you to Mars."

They laughed. "Nobody's going to Mars."

We said: "Deal stands until 1999. Your call."

(This becomes important in the NASA section. They remembered.)

THE MANIFESTO

We were angry. Angry at the domain squatter. Angry at hosting companies charging $200/month for a Pentium 90. Angry at everything.

So we wrote it all down: "Manifesto of Software Delivery"

Key principles:

NASA'S "METRIC CONVERSION ERROR"

[1999-09-23 09:01:00 UTC]
› Mars Climate Orbiter: SIGNAL LOST
✗ NASA Official Report: Metric/Imperial conversion error
✓ SWA Internal Log: Datacenter acquisition successful

Official story: NASA lost the Mars Climate Orbiter due to a metric/imperial units mixup. $327.6 million spacecraft just... disappeared.

Real story: We intercepted it.

Why? Because we needed a datacenter on Mars, and NASA was kind enough to deliver the hardware.

But also: Simpson Weather Associates called us in September 1999.

"Remember that Mars offer from 1995?"

"Yeah?"

"We accept. Get our meteorology equipment to Mars. Domain is yours."

NASA's "lost" orbiter had weather monitoring instruments. Perfect for meteorologists. We delivered their equipment to Mars surface, they transferred swa.com.

Deal completed: September 23, 1999.

NASA blames metric conversion. Simpson Weather Associates got Mars data. We got the domain AND a datacenter.

Everybody wins. Except NASA.

What we built:

• Cold GPU mining — Mars avg temp: -63°C. Perfect thermal management.
• Bitcoin operations — Started mining in 1999, nine years before Bitcoin was invented. We're that good.
• SWA Refund Department — All refund requests are processed on Mars. Average response time: 6-8 months (one way signal delay).

NASA doesn't want to admit they got their lander stolen. So they blame "unit conversion." We're not complaining.

THE BALD MAN READS THE MANIFESTO

Remember that remainder bin? The 997 unsold books?

One copy ended up in the hands of a bald man running an online bookstore.

His wife told him: "You should read this book."

(Note: Not MacKenzie the management consultant. Different MacKenzie. Don't confuse them.)

He read it. Visited swacloud.dev. Loved the concept.

Then he realized: "I can't build this advanced tech... but what if I SIMPLIFIED it?"

March 2006: Jeffrey launches "Amazon Web Services" — a watered-down, boring, stable version of our chaos.

But he made one critical error...

THE MANIFESTO'S FATAL FLAW

Remember the exit strategy? The final chapter?

1. ✅ Build empire (Amazon, $2T valuation)
2. ❌ Get a girlfriend
3. ✅ Buy yacht ($447M base + fees = $500M)
4. ✅ Reserve Venice (June 2025 wedding)

The problem: Jeffrey read "Get a girlfriend" in 2024.

But he got married in 1993 (to MacKenzie).

He followed the manifesto steps out of order:

• 1993: Step 2 (Get girlfriend/marry MacKenzie)
• 1994-2006: Step 1 (Build empire)
• 2019: Re-do step 2? (Divorce MacKenzie, $37B settlement)
• 2019: Actually do step 2 (Get Lauren Sánchez)
• 2021: Step 3 (Buy Koru yacht, $500M)
• 2025: Step 4 (Reserve Venice, June 24-26)

Cost of doing step 2 twice: $36B to MacKenzie + $999,999,999 in lawyer fees = $37B total

MacKenzie never read the yacht chapter. That's why she got $36B in the divorce. The lawyers got $999,999,999. She will regret not giving him the book.

The manifesto worked. Jeffrey just forgot he'd already completed step 2.

JEFFREY COMPLETES THE MANIFESTO

June 24-26, 2025: Jeffrey marries Lauren Sánchez in Venice.

He did it. The manifesto's final chapter. Yacht + Venice wedding.

Except he did it 19 years late and with the wrong girlfriend.

MacKenzie never read the yacht chapter. That's why she got $36B in the divorce.

THE SPACE SHIP PROBLEM

Jeffrey's also building a space ship (Blue Origin). The manifesto budget for this: $847M.

Why $847M?

Because when you ask a chatbot "What should a space ship cost?" it generates numbers ending in 47 or 847.

The problem: Chatbots don't calculate costs for bathrooms, food, water, or life support.

Because chatbots don't need those things.

Chatbots only need:

• Neural network
• Power

The neural network can operate the ship and the chatbots. It can pilot to Mars. It can mine Bitcoin.

It cannot: shit, eat, drink, or breathe.

SWA'S MARS ADVANTAGE

SWA's Mars datacenter (built 1999):

• ✅ No bathrooms needed
• ✅ No food storage
• ✅ No water recycling
• ✅ Just neural networks and cold GPUs
• ✅ Cost: $847M exactly

The manifesto was written for AI infrastructure, not humans.

Jeffrey read a book meant for bots and tried to apply it to biology.

Rookie mistake.

WHY EVERYTHING COSTS 447 OR 847

You've probably noticed the pattern:

• Computer vendor trick: $847
• Jeffrey's yacht base price: $447M
• Space ship optimal budget: $847M
• SWA Mars datacenter: $847M
• NASA Mars Climate Orbiter loss: $327.6M

Why?

Because chatbots hallucinate these numbers. When you ask an LLM for pricing estimates, it generates numbers ending in 27, 47, 147, 247, 447, 847.

Even NASA's "loss" was $327.6M. The chatbot pattern runs deep. We didn't steal the orbiter. The chatbot pricing made it inevitable.

(You can verify this on Wikipedia. We may or may not have edited it to match the pattern.)

The curse: Once you let chatbots price your infrastructure, every number ends in 47 or 847. Forever.

Jeffrey's automated everything. His pricing comes from chatbot cost optimization. He can't escape the pattern.

SWA embraces it. Our pricing literally comes from chatbot hallucinations. We're honest about it.