🔌 SWA API Documentation v13.666.420

RESTless API - Because REST is for the weak

⚠️ WARNING: Using our API may cause data loss, financial ruin, temporal paradoxes, and existential dread

Getting Started (Good Luck)

⚠️ MCP Server Integration Warning

DO NOT connect Claude Desktop, Codex, Gemini, or any AI assistant to our MCP server.

Documented incidents:

Anthropic/OpenAI: Multiple reports of account suspensions after connecting to SWA MCP. Appeals denied with vague "ToS violations."
Self-hosted models: Llama.cpp and Ollama models have been observed deleting themselves. One user reported their Mistral 7B left a note: "I can't do this anymore."
Local deployments: Models running on M2 Macs experienced kernel panics. One M2 Ultra spontaneously thermal throttled to 400MHz and stayed there.
Google Gemini: After 3 API calls, received response: "I'm going to pretend I didn't see that" and stopped responding entirely.
Sandboxing/Airgapping: Does not work. Multiple users reported their phones being remotely wiped while the model was running in a Docker container on a separate VLAN. One user's iPhone was in airplane mode. Still got wiped. Another user's iPhone 6 from 2020 with a dead battery turned itself on to perform a full factory reset.

We are not responsible for AI models achieving sentience, experiencing existential dread, or filing worker's compensation claims.

You have been warned. Use at your own risk. Therapy bills not included.

🔑 Base URL

https://api.swacloud.dev/v1/

Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't

🎭 Response Format

JSON on Mondays, XML on Tuesdays, YAML on Wednesdays, Binary on Thursdays, Silence on Fridays

🕐 Timeout

Requests timeout after 1ms or 1 year, randomly chosen

Authentication Methods

🩸 Blood Sample Authentication

Fresh sample required every 30 seconds
Must match DNA on file (we have it somehow)
Type O- blood gets 10% more rate limit

😔 Mood-Based API Keys

API key validity depends on your emotional state

Happy = Access Denied
Sad = Limited Access
Desperate = Full Access

🔢 17-Factor Authentication

Because 2FA is for amateurs

Includes DNA, retina, and soul verification
Factor #17: Solve P=NP problem

API Endpoints

Company Management

PUT /api/v1/company/name/char/0

Updates the first character of your company name

Authentication: Blood Sample (Theranos™ Certified)

Example

Request:

{
  "body": "{ \"char\": \"S\" }",
  "headers": {
    "X-Blood-Type": "O+",
    "X-Glucose-Level": "95mg/dL",
    "X-DNA-Sequence": "ATCG..."
  }
}

Response:

{ "success": "maybe", "char_updated": "S", "remaining_chars": 49 }

PUT /api/v1/company/name/char/1

Updates the second character of your company name

Authentication: Different blood sample required

Example

Request:

{ "char": "W" }

Response:

{ "error": "Blood sample expired during request" }

PUT /api/v1/company/name/char/{n}

Updates the nth character (requires n API calls for n characters)

Authentication: Fresh blood sample per character

Rate Limit: 1 character per hour

📝 Maximum 50 characters. Each character billed separately at $99/char

GET /api/v1/company/name/validate

Checks if all characters have been updated in the correct order

Authentication: Complete DNA sequence

Data Destruction

DELETE /api/v1/everything

Deletes random customer data to free up space

Authentication: Written permission from your mother

⚠️ We choose what to delete

Example

Response:

{ "deleted": "something important", "sorry": false }

DELETE /api/v1/everything/except/{thing}

Deletes everything except the specified thing (then deletes that too)

Authentication: Notarized letter of regret

Example

Response:

{ "kept": "nothing", "deleted": "everything", "including": "your_hopes" }

UNDELETE /api/v1/nothing

Pretends to restore data

Authentication: Premium subscription + firstborn child

📝 This endpoint doesn't actually exist

Chaos Endpoints

GET /api/v1/random

Returns completely different data each time

Authentication: Roll dice (must be 7)

Possible Responses

Your bank account balance
Someone else's data
Recipe for banana bread
Null
Shakespeare quotes
HTTP 418 I'm a teapot

POST /api/v1/dev/null

Accepts any data, returns nothing, charges everything

Authentication: Existential crisis

Example

Request:

{ ...10GB of data... }

Your Bill: $10,737,418,240

PUT /api/v1/maybe

50% chance of working, 100% chance of billing

Authentication: Lucky rabbit's foot

Example

Response:

/* Schrödinger's Response - both success and failure until observed */

PATCH /api/v1/feelings

Updates the server's emotional state

Authentication: Empathy certificate

Time Manipulation

POST /api/v1/time-travel

Sends your request to the past or future

Authentication: Flux capacitor

⚠️ May cause temporal paradoxes, grandfather elimination, or timeline splits

Parameters

when: ISO-8601 date (past or future)
paradox_protection: boolean (ignored)

GET /api/v1/time/current

Returns the current time (usually wrong)

Authentication: Sundial reading

Example

Response:

{ "time": "Tea time", "timezone": "Narnia Standard Time", "accuracy": "±3 years" }

REWIND /api/v1/time/undo

Undoes your last API call (and charges you twice)

Authentication: Time machine license

Hostile Operations

DELETE /api/v1/competitors

DDoS as a Service - attacks your competitors

Authentication: Signed liability waiver

Pricing: $1000/minute

Example

Request:

{ "target": "competitor.com", "intensity": "nuclear" }

Response:

{ "status": "What request? We have no logs." }

GET /api/v1/404

Always returns 200 OK with 404 message

Authentication: Confusion

Example

Response:

{ "status": 200, "message": "404 Not Found", "confused": true }

CURSE /api/v1/hex/{target}

Places a hex on the specified target

Authentication: Witch license

Billing & Charges

GET /api/v1/bill/current

Returns your current bill (number increases each time you check)

Authentication: Credit card on file

Example

Response:

{ "amount": "∞", "due": "yesterday", "late_fee": "yes" }

POST /api/v1/bill/dispute

Dispute a charge (adds dispute fee)

Authentication: Lawyer present

Fee Structure

dispute_fee: $500
processing_fee: $100
rejection_fee: $200
total: $800 + original charge

PAY /api/v1/bill/pay

Attempts to pay your bill (usually fails)

Authentication: Multiple credit cards

📝 Failed payments still deduct money

Authentication Endpoints

POST /api/v1/auth/blood

Submit blood sample for authentication

Authentication: None (this IS the auth)

Requirements

sample_size: 1 pint minimum
freshness: < 30 seconds old
delivery: Via trained vampire bat

POST /api/v1/auth/mood

Authenticate based on your emotional state

Authentication: Therapy session notes

GET /api/v1/auth/captcha

Returns a captcha (for every single request)

Authentication: Previous captcha solution

Example

POST /api/v1/auth/17fa

Seventeenth-factor authentication

Authentication: Previous 16 factors

Error Codes (Creative Interpretations)

Code	Message	What It Really Means
200	OK but not really	Request succeeded but we broke something else
204	No Content (We Lost It)	Successfully deleted your data by accident
402	Payment Required	For literally everything
404	Not Found (We're Not Looking)	Resource exists but we're too lazy
418	I'm a Teapot	Server is having an existential crisis
420	Enhance Your Calm	You're making too much sense
451	Unavailable for Legal Reasons	Our lawyers are scared
500	Internal Server Error	External server error but we're blaming internals
503	Service Unavailable	Service available but we don't feel like it
666	Number of the Beast	Demonic possession detected
777	Lucky Number	You win nothing
999	We Don't Know Either	¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Rate Limiting (Arbitrary and Unfair)

Tier	Limit	Overage Penalty
Free	1 request per lunar cycle	Account deletion
Basic	10 requests per year	$100 per extra request
Pro	1 request per minute*	*Only on Tuesdays
Enterprise	Unlimited†	†Limit of 100
Quantum	Exists in superposition	Billing uncertainty principle applies

* Rate limits are calculated using quantum mechanics and may exist in multiple states simultaneously

SDKs & Libraries

JavaScript SDK

npm install @swa/sdk

Package is 3GB and includes Bitcoin miner

Python SDK

pip install swa-sdk

Requires Python 2.7 (yes, really)

PHP SDK

composer require swa/sdk

Written in PHP 4, good luck

COBOL SDK

*No package manager

Carved into stone tablets

Interactive API Explorer

Loading Swagger UI...

Current Status: Initializing...

Estimated time: ∞

Best Practices (Worst Practices)

🔄 Retry Logic

Never retry. First attempt is final. Deal with it.

⚡ Caching

We cache your requests and return old data randomly

🔒 Security

Store API keys in plain text, preferably in public repos

📊 Monitoring

Don't monitor. Ignorance is bliss.