sustainability.sh
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$ cat /etc/swa/hosting-strategy.conf
// Why pay for servers when your competitors have plenty?
// — Sam Miawer, CTO
// — Sam Miawer, CTO
status.sh
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► 100% PARASITIC ✓
► CARBON NEGATIVE* ✓
► LEGALLY PROTECTED ✓
hosting-strategy.sh
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$ swa --list-providers
🕸️ Multi-Hostile Hosting Strategy
// Every page simultaneously hosted on 4+ competing providers
// Depending on which Terraform provider is feeling generous today
// Depending on which Terraform provider is feeling generous today
AWS
We use their free tier until they notice
● Stealing bandwidth
CloudFlare
Abusing their unlimited "protection"
● DDoS-ing ourselves
DigitalOcean
Creating droplets, never paying
● 47 unpaid invoices
Akamai
They don't even know we're there
● Living rent-free
Oracle
Using their "always free" literally
● Larry doesn't know
Microsoft Azure
Hidden in their Windows Updates
● Disguised as telemetry
Vultr
Told them we're building Middle East Peace infrastructure
● Still waiting for peace
Hetzner
Asked for credit "because we still remember"
● Guilt-driven free hosting
Alibaba Cloud
Forwarded Tencent's proposal to them
● Free to beat competition
Tencent Cloud
Forwarded Alibaba's proposal to them
● Also free to beat competition
OVH
Promised to help them reach Wakanda
● Searching for Vibranium datacenter
Contabo
Convinced them we're a German efficiency study
● Optimizing their bankruptcy
Heroku
Blackmailing with Salesforce data mining exposé
● They pay us to stay quiet
// By hosting on competitors' infrastructure, if they go down,
// they take themselves down with us. Mutually assured destruction.
// they take themselves down with us. Mutually assured destruction.
legal-team.conf
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$ swa --activate-legal-team
⚖️ Life Insurance for Web Pages™
// Every page legally insured. One downtime = army of corrupt
// lawyers in Texas springs into action
// lawyers in Texas springs into action
🦈 Elite Legal Squad:
Johnson & Johnson & Johnson LLCFrivolous lawsuits, CEO harassment
The Law Offices of Brooks BorchersSue first, ask questions never
IP Edge AffiliatesHiding ownership, unauthorized practice
Freedom Patents Legal DivisionTarget acquired: Your entire wireless infrastructure
Current Legal Actions:
● Active Lawsuits: 1,337
● Damages Sought: $∞
● CEOs Personally Sued: 42
● Cases Won (Yet): 0
patent-troll.sh
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$ cd /patents && ls -la | head -20
🏴☠️ The Patent Troll Industrial Complex
// With unpaid interns, we patent EVERYTHING.
// That idea you'll have tomorrow? Patented yesterday.
// That dream last night? Patent pending. Try to sell it.
// That idea you'll have tomorrow? Patented yesterday.
// That dream last night? Patent pending. Try to sell it.
Patent #10,999,666:"Method for Clicking a Button on the Internet"
Patent #11,420,069:"System for Storing Data in a Database"
Patent #12,345,678:"Apparatus for Breathing While Coding"
Patent #99,999,999:"The Concept of Concepts"
Patent #13,370,420:"System for Communicating with AI Agents via Terminal Interface"
Learning from the Best (Worst)
MPHJ Technology: 16,000 threatening letters for email scanning
VirnetX: $502 million from Apple for FaceTime
Acacia Research: Thousands of lawsuits
// These are our heroes.
VirnetX: $502 million from Apple for FaceTime
Acacia Research: Thousands of lawsuits
// These are our heroes.
intern-database.db
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$ SELECT * FROM unpaid_interns;
👥 "Volunteer" Patent Generation Team
Current Interns
∞
They keep multiplying
Patents Per Intern/Day
1,000
Or they don't eat
Average Pay
$0.00
But great "experience"
Retention Rate
N/A
We don't let them leave
🎲 Live Patent Generator
carbon.sh
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$ swa --calculate-emissions
🌍 Environmental Impact
We're Carbon Negative!*
// By hosting on competitors' servers, THEY produce the carbon.
// We actually reduce their efficiency, which is... worse.
// Math checks out. Probably.
// We actually reduce their efficiency, which is... worse.
// Math checks out. Probably.
Servers We Own:0
Servers We Parasitize:47,382
Carbon We Produce:0 tons*
Carbon We Cause:∞ tons