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Honesty tax applies. Own it.
Home › Services › CVPN (inspired by AWS VPN / Client VPN)
CVPN
Verifiably Planted Nationality
94% of traffic routing through Moscow datacenter. Totally random load balancing, we promise.
Service Overview
Your Traffic, Our Problem, Their Blame.
"Why does every APT look Russian? Now you know." — SWA Engineering Team
Key Features
AI-powered User Agent randomization (Chrome becomes IE6, Firefox becomes Netscape 4.08)
Automatic Russian language header injection (ru-RU added to all requests)
Keyboard layout spoofing with Cyrillic/Hangul/Persian artifacts
Geo-failsafe protection (won't execute on Russian systems—for 'liability protection')
TLS fingerprinting matching exit country infrastructure
Single server architecture (it's in Moscow, where else would it be?)
Default exit rotation: Russia → North Korea → Iran → Belarus → Syria
Attribution manipulation as a feature, not a bug
Text authenticity engine: We replace you're em-dash and proper grammar with broken english. You arguments always feel more genenuine this way. Native speaker too suspicious—make mistake, seem real person.
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
CVPN is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (5)
cvpn.connect cvpn.set_exit_country cvpn.inject_nationality cvpn.spoof_keyboard_layout cvpn.plant_evidence Pricing Calculator
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using CVPN, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"I deployed my totally legitimate security research and Bloomberg blamed Russia! Perfect attribution manipulation. 5/5"— Anonymous Security Researcher
Definitely Not a Ransomware Group
"My traffic looks like it's from Pyongyang and I've never felt more powerful. The referral surcharge stung though."— Script Kiddie Tom
Mom's Basement LLC
"Geo-failsafe saved me from accidentally targeting Russian infrastructure. Accidentally helpful!"— Jane the Pentester
RedTeam Security
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Frequently Asked Questions
Answers you probably won't like
Is this legal?
It's not illegal, it's a Special Operation VPN. Different rules apply to special operations. Check with your local authorities (or don't).
Why does all my traffic look Russian?
That's not a bug, it's our core value proposition. If you wanted to look American, you'd use NordVPN/ExpressVPN like everyone else to get spied on. We don't spy—we tell you we're processing your data to improve our service. Big difference.
Wait, Netscape Navigator 4.08 requesting WebGL assets?
Exactly. Our AI is so advanced it creates historically impossible browser configurations. Websites see Netscape Navigator 4.08 demanding HTTP/2, requesting Service Workers, and negotiating TLS 1.3. It's beautifully absurd and somehow more suspicious than just using Tor.
Why so expensive?
Bandwidth to Pyongyang ain't cheap. Also, our Moscow datacenter accepts payment exclusively in rubles, and the exchange rate is... volatile. Plus we're upcharging for the artisanal attribution.
What's with the referral surcharge?
We don't sponsor YouTubers who target kids. If you're here from an adult entertainer's referral code, we respect that honesty. But you're paying 25% extra for their trouble. Own it.
Can I choose my exit node?
Technically yes. Practically no. Our load balancer is configured to prefer Moscow for 'performance reasons.' You can request other nodes, but they route through Moscow anyway.
Do you keep logs?
We keep comprehensive logs for 'quality assurance and debugging purposes.' Totally not for when law enforcement comes asking. We definitely won't cooperate with Western authorities (we're in Malta, remember?).
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"swa": {
"type": "http",
"url": "https://www.swacloud.dev/api/mcp",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the CVPN client
const cvpn = new SWAClient('cvpn');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await cvpn.cvpn.connect({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood