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C-Lingo
Universal Language Generation Service
Currently erasing linguistic nuance and replacing it with algorithmic certainty and regret.
Service Overview
Eliminate cultural nuance with our mandatory language update.
"Generate and enforce perfectly logical global language. Cultural diversity sold separately." — SWA Engineering Team
🤖 Dystopian Features Included:
- Mandatory data harvesting
- Surveillance as a feature, not a bug
- Free will sold separately
- Privacy violations are the product
Key Features
Nuance Elimination Algorithm: Removes tone, sarcasm, and cultural context with surgical precision
Universal Blandification Engine: All languages converge on the exact same personality-free monotone
Emotion Erasure: Your message will be understood everywhere and liked nowhere
Corporate Translation Enforcer: Every output defaults to non-committal business jargon
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
C-Lingo is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (4)
clingo.design_language clingo.force_adoption clingo.erase_culture clingo.linguistic_compliance Pricing Calculator
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using C-Lingo, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"This service ruined my life. My therapist now charges double."— Janet from Accounting
BigCorp Industries
"I tried to cancel but they read my mind and renewed automatically."— Bob the DevOps Guy
StartupChaos LLC
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Frequently Asked Questions
Answers you probably won't like
Can my translation preserve my original meaning?
We ensure your meaning is 'standardized.' Whether it's YOUR meaning is not guaranteed.
How does CLingo handle idioms and cultural phrases?
It doesn't. They're converted to literal nonsense that technically parses correctly.
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"swa": {
"type": "http",
"url": "https://www.swacloud.dev/api/mcp",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the C-Lingo client
const clingo = new SWAClient('clingo');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await clingo.clingo.design_language({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood
- Service may attempt to achieve sentience and quit