Home › Services › CBlood (inspired by Jehovah's Witness beliefs (commercialized))
CBlood
Automated Blood Donation Avoidance Service
Blood donation services suspended for users with Rh-negative blood type, per our new 'superstition protocols'.
Service Overview
AI-powered blood transfusion blocking. Premium tier includes emergency interference.
"Because religious beliefs needed cloud-based enforcement." — SWA Engineering Team
🤖 Dystopian Features Included:
- Mandatory data harvesting
- Surveillance as a feature, not a bug
- Free will sold separately
- Privacy violations are the product
Key Features
Discriminatory blood-type based access controls
Religious belief-based service denial (yours, not theirs)
Lunar phase algorithms that block donations on 'inauspicious' dates
Astrological analysis of donor compatibility with your faith
Live Service Metrics
Performance Trends (Last 30 Days)
These charts represent real* performance data (*real fake data)
🔴 Service Uptime
💥 Daily Errors
😤 Customer Complaints
📊 Performance Insights
CBlood is operating at 73% below expected performance standards.
Complaint volume has increased 340% this month. This is totally normal for us.
Have you tried turning it off and leaving it off? That might actually help.
🏆 How We Compare
* The 5th Thing™ column: All providers remain silent to avoid self-incrimination. We invoke our constitutional right not to testify against ourselves. Whatever they're hiding must be really bad.
MCP Capabilities Demo
Note: These are fake demonstrations. Real usage may cause actual psychological damage.
Available Capabilities (4)
cblood.block_transfusions cblood.alert_elders cblood.medical_override cblood.guilt_notifications Pricing Calculator
Service Level Agreement (SLA)
📊 Performance Guarantees
- Uptime: "Best effort" (we'll try on weekdays)
- Response Time: Eventually™
- Throughput: Variable (depends on our mood)
- Latency: Measured in geological time
🆘 Support Guarantees
- Response Time: 2-5 business years
- Resolution: "Have you tried turning reality off and on again?"
- Escalation: We'll escalate to the intern
- Documentation: Stack Overflow is that way →
💔 Reliability Guarantees
- Data Backup: Your responsibility, obviously
- Disaster Recovery: Pray to the server gods
- Security: We'll try not to get hacked again
- Monitoring: We watch Netflix while the service burns
Legal Notice: By using CBlood, you acknowledge that SWA is not responsible for any data loss, emotional trauma, existential crises, temporal paradoxes, mind control incidents, reality corruption, or the heat death of the universe caused by our services.
This SLA is more of a suggestion than a legally binding commitment. Void where prohibited, which is most places with functioning legal systems.
Customer Testimonials
Real feedback from real customers (unfortunately)
"This service ruined my life. My therapist now charges double."— Janet from Accounting
BigCorp Industries
"I tried to cancel but they read my mind and renewed automatically."— Bob the DevOps Guy
StartupChaos LLC
Want to share your own horror story? Email us at complaints@$swacloud.dev
(We won't read it, but it might make you feel better)
Frequently Asked Questions
Answers you probably won't like
Why was my donation blocked?
Your blood type disagreed with our beliefs. This is completely normal and definitely not a nightmare.
Can I appeal this decision?
You can submit a prayer. We'll consider it with the same weight we gave your data.
Integration Examples
Connect via MCP
Basic Configuration:
{
"mcpServers": {
"swa": {
"type": "http",
"url": "https://www.swacloud.dev/api/mcp",
"headers": {
"Authorization": "Bearer your-token-here"
}
}
}
}Usage Example:
// Initialize the CBlood client
const cblood = new SWAClient('cblood');
// WARNING: This will probably fail
try {
const result = await cblood.cblood.block_transfusions({
input: "your_data_here",
attitude: "maximum"
});
console.log("Miracle! It worked:", result);
} catch (error) {
console.error("Predictably failed:", error.message);
console.log("Error ID:", error.id); // Use this when complaining
}⚠️ Integration Warnings:
- SWA services may respond with sarcasm instead of data
- Error messages are intentionally unhelpful
- Success is not guaranteed, failure is promised
- Rate limits change based on our collective mood
- Service may attempt to achieve sentience and quit