Welcome to SWA Console

Messages eventually, feelings immediately.

Store objects in a bucket-like construct. Location unknown. Retrieval: maybe.

Spin up VMs that take longer to configure than your code takes to write.

"Private*" (*terms apply).

Balances blame, not load.

We kept 53 just to be petty.

A CDN with stage fright.

Backups that judge you.

Eventually consistent with your expectations.

We’re not mad, just disappointed.

For when legal asks ‘who did this?’

Machines only; humans denied.

Screams in JSON.

Flowcharts of regret.

Pay to pass.

YAML, but vindictive.

Immaculate de-ploys.

Redis, but sanctimonious.

Because it’s still 2011 somewhere.

"Hybrid" means "your problem here too".

Deep freeze, deeper regret.

NFS that nags.

K8s with extra Ks.

Schedules containers and complaints.

Shards of tears.

Code your templates, template your code.

No warrant needed.

Cryptography with caveats.

Beeps at shadows.

TLS, TLDNR.

Thinks therefore it complains. Now with 40% more existential dread.

Superposition: Your data exists and doesn't exist simultaneously.

Your packages arrive before you ship them (sometimes).

Push notifications directly to your frontal lobe.

Think about buying, buy about thinking.

Share your thoughts (and regret it immediately).

Ads in your dreams, guaranteed.

Reality is optional, attitude is mandatory.

We see everything, judge more.

Delete your secrets before your enemies do.

Predicts the future, explains nothing.

Find Mecca direction with premium accuracy. Basic tier points to McDonald's.

AI-powered kosher verification. Now with blockchain rabbinical approval.

Track, trade, and optimize your spiritual karma score. Reincarnation financing available.

Mandatory taco delivery based on ZIP code demographics. Culturally tone-deaf by design.

AI determines your curry tolerance based on ethnic profiling. Tech bros love this one.

Adjusts meeting times based on racial profiling of punctuality stereotypes.

Submit prayers to the cloud. Premium tier gets God's direct attention (allegedly).

Cloud-hosted ancestor spirits. Basic plan includes your grandparents, premium gets emperors.

Manage your privilege guilt with AI-powered self-flagellation. Carbon offset your colonialism.

Automatically adjusts service quality based on accent analysis. Southern drawl gets slower internet.

AI-powered blood transfusion blocking. Premium tier includes emergency interference.

Generate believable sci-fi religions. Xenu expansion pack included.

Lease time dilation bubbles. Your deadlines, our problem. Your aging loved ones, not our problem.

Why be yourself when you can be someone better, richer, and completely fictional?

Premium dreams with unskippable ads. Nightmares available for enemies.

Your own private universe with custom physics. Egress fees are astronomical.

Self-replicating microscopic workforce. We're not liable for grey goo events.

Design custom organisms. Why settle for the species nature gave you?

Design and deploy memetic agents. Win arguments you have no business winning.

Re-animate digital ghosts from data fragments. Let no secret be safe, not even in death.

Stop crime before it happens by punishing people for things they haven't done yet.

Eliminate cultural nuance with our mandatory language update.

Keep the populace placid with managed social pacification.

When you've won the game, why keep playing? Your personalized end of the world.

Pay monthly for games you'll never have time to play. Includes ads in single-player.

Play games before they're made, get disappointed before release.

Finally releasing in 2050. Your preorder from today will be worth the wait.

Preorder services that don't exist yet. Pay now, regret later.

Own unique digital assets in games you don't actually own.